I've read and prayed through many verses as we have gone through this time of infertility but Habakkuk 3:17-18 has been the one that God has used to do the most work in my heart.
"Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation." (KJV)
In other words, no matter what happens, I will rejoice in the Lord. Wait a minute, Lord. You mean, if You never open my womb, if I never feel a baby grow and kick inside me, if I never hear the word "Mama" directed to me, I'm supposed to rejoice in You?
That's what it says.
I have visited various infertility websites and message boards and a lot of what I have read involves a feeling of entitlement. "I deserve a baby...why can't I have one?" I have struggled with this myself. But the truth is, I'm not deserving of anything but Hell. I desire the gift of pregnancy, children, and motherhood but the Lord has already given me the best gift He could ever give. He reached down, touched my heart, and saved me from my sin. I will forever live with Him because of His wonderful gift of salvation.
I do not think it's wrong of me to want children. On the contrary, I believe that desire was firmly planted in my heart by the Lord Himself, even before He saved me. I believe, in His own time, He will give me that desire of my heart.
But if I am wrong? Then I am wrong. I am still commanded to "rejoice". On days like today when I struggle with feeling defeated, I wonder how I can ever rejoice in the empty arms I have been given today. That's when I have to look at the next verse:
"The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places." Habakkuk 3:19 (KJV)
I can't do it in my own strength and energy. I can only allow God to work through me and lift me up, causing me to rejoice.
On a medical note, this was our first cycle of fertility drugs. I thought and prayed hard about this and Keith and I feel peace about pursuing this path. This will be our first and last medical intervention. If, after 4 cycles of drugs, I am not pregnant, we will not pursue any more treatments. Anything further involves a lot of issues that we consider to be "playing God" and, even if we felt comfortable about them, we simply can't afford them. So, every day, I'm just praying that God will give me peace and that His will be done in our lives.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Johanna,
My sweet friend ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much for posting this and blessing me. I have been having a hard time of late rejoicing and I know God led me to your blog this afternoon in order to be lifted up! Thank you! I pray that this cycle is a success for you and Keith.
I am about to make an appointment for testing so I hope you will not mind if I have questions for you in the near future :)
Much blessings and love.
This blessed my heart so much! And I felt the same way as you when you said:
I have visited various infertility websites and message boards and a lot of what I have read involves a feeling of entitlement. "I deserve a baby...why can't I have one?"
Which is why I quit visiting those sites.
I pray your treatments work!
Blessings sweetie!
~Mrs.B
Thanks for posting these great Scriptures. I have been dealing with similar/different:-) issues. I have been focusing a lot on Scriptures about God's plans for us, His Faithfulness and choosing to follow and obey Him even when our lives look so different from how we had planned them to be ourselves. Thanks for the reminder on rejoicing in Him even though our circumstances may never change.
I get very depressed when I read different forums like what you mentioned, so I've just had to stop going there.
I'm praying for you and Keith as you begin your treatments.
For a different reason I feel the same as you ladies. Sometimes I don't know what to do - I subscribe to some homemaking blogs which are wonderful and often have various content and then there will be posts about pregnancy and children, which are difficult to read. I am at the point that I am wondering if it would be best to just stop reading homemaking blogs altogether. Might you have any thoughts on this?
I would also like to add positive thoughts for your fertility treatments. May God be with you through the days ahead.
Anonymous,
Thank you for visiting and sharing your comments.
I understand your feelings. It can be rather hard to visit blogs at times that focus heavily on things such as homeschooling or giving birth at home to the 9th child. :) I don't avoid these types of blogs altogether because I do glean valuable information/advice about homemaking from them. The only time I back off is when pregnancies/cute baby and kid stuff seems to take up the bulk of the blog's content. I don't do it because I resent the person (although, I do struggle) but because I really feel that I shouldn't subject myself to things that I KNOW will breed discontentment in my heart. I don't just do this with blogs. I don't go down the baby aisle in Target simply because when I do, I cry. So my common sense tells me to stop doing it.
There are days that I can take reading pregnancy posts. But, even then, I am sensitive about reading the comments to those posts. Because, 85% of the comments are from other pregnant women (women that have been pregnant many times over, in some cases) and, like I said, discontentment begins to reign.
I find the best solution is to spend my time with blogs that are more homemaking than "mothering". That's one reason I especially appreciate Mrs. B and her blog. It's all about "wifey" stuff rather than "mommy" stuff!
Thank you all for your prayers!
Johanna
I found your blog through Biblical Womanhood. My husband and I also struggled with infertility but are now the parent to two adorable little boys adopted internationally. They are such a blessing to us and clearly the children God specially created to be in our family. Blessings to you and your husband.
Post a Comment